Episode 106

welcome to another episode of Finding Peaks my name is Jason friesman I’m the chief clinical officer here at Peaks recovery to my left is the founder and president and good friend Chris Burns hey everybody and I could not be more excited about our guests today uh Monte ball has has joined us Monte for those who don’t know let me let me tell you this this is a great guy he is a two-time consensus All-American uh in 2011 and 2012. he also was the second round pick of my favorite team the Denver Broncos back in 2013. he also held the record for the most career rushing touchdowns in NCAA division one unfortunately that was passed I think a couple years later but you had it for a while and then uh a finalist for the Heisman Trophy uh in 2011. I think along with Andrew luck and a couple other guys that are kind of household names so um with that Monte welcome welcome to finding Peaks wow thank you this is uh thank you for the introduction I’m again it’s always an honor and uh it’s a privilege to to get asked to talk and uh just uh share some space with with some folks so thank you for having me yeah it is my pleasure and um and really actually I lived for a while in Wisconsin when I was a kid so I grew up kind of a Badgers fan and then um and a Colorado buff fan if I’m gonna be honest and then uh but Denver Broncos I bleed orange and blue man and uh and when I had the privilege of kind of getting to know you a little better uh back in January at the winter Symposium here in Colorado Springs I was really excited to talk to you but um really pleased to find out that uh you’re an even better guy than you are a football player if I do say so myself and um but it it’s been a journey for you I think so um how about if you kind of talk about your experience of playing for uh a Big Ten how’d you pick Wisconsin maybe we start there yeah so that’s I love the fact that you mentioned that you bleed blue and orange yeah I uh growing up right outside St Louis Missouri I’ve been in Broncos fan my entire life yeah
um grew up with my room all the way from once I started playing football at the age of eight until obviously in high school when I took off to Wisconsin yeah excuse me after high school I uh my room was blue and orange Broncos stuff all over and I wanted to be a Bronco my entire life uh our rooms probably look similar except for the players on my wall were like Steve Watson and John Elway and like you know uh Atwater yeah so yeah those are the guys that I fell in love with the sport because of because of those names right there but to your question I mean man obviously my story writes it’s uh it starts with the game of football it starts with the game of football at the age of eight obviously with little league football my father being my coach um it was uh one of those things where we as a family were just like look um if this is some something you want to do right this is a sport that you want to play then let’s go all in let’s let’s go all in and um and of course I can sit here and go through play-by-play year by year but once I got to high school once my family really started to see that I was really excelling at this sport right like okay he may have opportunities to play at the next level that being Collegiate the Collegiate level my family as close as we are they made a plan we all made a plan when I was 13 14 years old that um if you continue to do what you’re doing in school right hanging around the right people and obviously excelling in the football field then we will pack up our home and we will move to the backyard of whichever campus you select and my family did that my freshman year at the University of Wisconsin-Madison so how did that come about choosing UW yeah um I narrowed it down my choices from Stanford Iowa and Wisconsin um Stanford uh at the time I had a phone call with Harbaugh when he was there and of course I was pretty jacked about it and everything but then I sort of disqualified in a sense uh rather say they didn’t make the cuts due to uh geographically speaking I didn’t want to be too far from Midwest my Midwestern guy um and of course they were talking about some AP classes that I had to take myself
you know thank you I really appreciate the opportunity but some narrative from Iowa Wisconsin and of course when Sean green was there right running at Iowa that was a guy that I really liked I really watched him I really loved their Pro style offense something that we ran in high school of course took two two visits there great great place right great great University um with sports education as well location but once I took my first and only visits at the time to the University of Wisconsin-Madison it was a night game against Ohio State’s um and I mean Big Ten football yeah yeah I mean come on I was I was you know of course they teamed me up with a couple players right obviously player Personnel um we uh went to the game obviously well obviously the players were playing but um I was just hanging around the coaches and the player Personnel guy and I was like this is this is it this is the stage that I want to play on 90 000 people screaming beautiful scenery right chica it’s an isth Miss Madison is you’re looking at two Lakes a lake on each side the education I was like this is a good fit not too far from the St Louis area a five and a half six hour drive so I was like this is this this works out well for me and that’s how it happened I sat there and I was like you know what I want to be a badger I want to be better this is what I thought in the moment I want to be better than Ron Dane I want to I want to be that guy and so I uh it was a it was a pretty quick decision easy decision for me and I’m glad I made that choice nice yeah any uh I was just thinking when you were checking in there Montez as you as you rolled through your earlier years in sport and school did you have any issues with mental health was there any mental health issues that came up when you were kind of engaging in your football career because I know that can be pretty intense and all-encompassing but did you recognize any of that early on early on no I would say in high school you know things are you know I’m a big wide-eyed odd guy things were going great in high school right great uh but once I got to College of course once those stretches started to come about um that being school that being um obviously just a bigger stage right more pressures that come along with performing now um I didn’t really understand those stresses until my junior year so my freshman and sophomore year I didn’t really play a lot I was behind um John clay my freshman year and another guy but then my sophomore year we got this we got this little scat back out of Florida Saint Aquinas down there um St Thomas Aquinas excuse me um James White and I actually was behind him because he had a thousand yard season his freshman year yeah and so going into the second half of my sophomore season I was third string and we went to Iowa to play the Hawkeyes right kinnick Stadium very hostile environment unfortunately uh those two running backs that I mentioned John clay and James White suffered an injury and I remember the running backs coach turning around and looking at me and saying it’s it’s time to put up or shut up yeah put me in the game and I remember it was fourth quarter I caught up a slant route fourth and two extended the change and then two plays later scored the game-winning touchdown and never gave the position back and from that moment I bring that up because that’s when those stresses really started to hit me come junior year when we were fortunate enough to get Russell Wilson the pressures were there obviously I was excelling on the field I I dove head first straight into the partying atmosphere right um and of course in hindsight I know that I did that now because I was dealing with those stressors of okay how am I going to manage School how am I going to manage you know being present in my family obviously uh football that how demanding it is my body is tired I’m I’m dealing with trying to just go to class and not raise my hand because I just don’t want for people to know I’m in there all those social anxieties were really getting to me and obviously as we know that alcohol is a slippery slope and really took me into that depression right um I felt that it was my best friend I started to really develop that relationship with the bottle my junior year in college and many people don’t know this my junior year in college was my best year on the field but it was actually my worst year off the field immensely yeah and it seems like we kind of talk I get this language from a guy named TJ Woodward who wrote the book conscious recovery he talks about um alcohol being a brilliant strategy to kind of cope with your stressors and and you you illustrate this perfectly that you know you had your best year as a running back obviously your Heisman finalist but really on the inside like for a minute you’re getting away with it like it’s working exactly I’m so glad you mentioned that because I talk about that all the time now where it’s I now when I look back it’s it’s almost now I wish that I would have like experienced a decline on the football field to able to solve those red flags right and done a self-diagnostic checkup okay what’s going on what am I doing I must not be taking care of my body off the field I must not be hanging around the right people right being present Etc right but that’s not the case I was excelling even more on the football field and nothing was really showing me in the moment at least what I think now nothing was really showing me that I need to make some changes and so when I always talk to people about that I say it’s alcohol is is an addiction period any type of addiction obviously drugs and or alcohol it’s it’s so tricky how it works and how it just Praise on your mind and shows you things that really aren’t the truth just so that it can continue to be your best friend and obviously hindsight in 2020 I’m able to say that now but in the moment I was uh thought that I was living my best life and you bring up such a phenomenal Point too I think for the viewers and it’s important to see it’s like because in my recovery before I ever got into the party scene or picked up a drink for myself you know I suffered a tremendous amount of anxiety my right leg sat there and did this and the first time I drank it called me out and I like how you mentioned that because the anxiety came first and the partying came second and it’s hard to get enough I quote Dr Gabor mate all the time but it’s with that stuff it’s all it’s hard to get enough of something that almost works you know and he says that all the time and I’m like that isn’t that the truth and the only thing that works better is an authentic recovery process of which we’re in now but the question I have for you is when you’re on the college campus now I know today in 2023 it’s far different than 2011 with respect to mental health awareness but is there a lot of that kind of talk are there resources do is it is there anybody outspoken about this because it seems like it’s a huge issue not just on college campuses but really everywhere and for all college students great question and I think you nailed it where it’s it’s of course back then and back then as if it was that long ago so 10 12 years ago there were resources of course but I believe that there wasn’t that much of a there wasn’t a stage right for people or rather someone really saying we need to do this for our student athletes right or rather a staff member really just coming out and about and saying okay I’m going to talk with the the leadership and we’re going to allocate funds to this program that really wasn’t going on during that time and of course I only know Wisconsin and and again I’m not saying that Wisconsin dropped the ball and that because they most definitely did not um I’m just mentioning this because I think once Kevin Love came out and spoke about what he was dealing with right someone of that of at that level I think it really just blew open these doors right of okay wait what are we doing for our student athletes yeah you know what I mean like what are we of course just our athletes in general but when student athletes like what sort of programs do we have for them what sort of messaging are we providing for them and I think back then that wasn’t the case but just like you mentioned today in 2023 that is for sure the conversations that are happening and I think that it’s great that it’s happening better late than never yeah and I I just feel like we that you can’t have too much of this conversation right of talking about what it is that you’re doing off the field who are you spending your time around what are some of the things stressors that you’re dealing with here are some resources that are right here in your backyard for you right in just a simple conversation like that can as you both know right can help out so many people and alleviate so much tension and stress within folks lives yeah absolutely no I really appreciate that response and it’s it’s nice to know too that at least we’re turning the corner with a lot of that stuff um it can be really difficult when you get to college campus I’m sure and you’ll talk about this but you get it as you start accomplishing all these things I can remember being close to you know I grew up in Tucson Arizona so I was close to the University of Arizona Wildcat program not their football team but their basketball team and I remember being a kid and just if I could get into their space two feet away from them they were so revered I mean people just look up and praise and a young athlete like myself really looks up to people like yourself and so I have to imagine and I was chatting with Jason a little bit before the show in addition to the lack of resources even just 10 short years ago you have this issue with um a lot of uh not only anxiety that comes up as a result of the pressure but you have a lot of what we call kind of I hate to say this word but yes men around you you get a lot of people that are just like and I was the same way I’m like a groupie for athletes you know I love watching great athletes perform and getting behind them and I praise everything they do and that has to be an interesting inflection point when you’re going through um you know some of the partying and some of the drinking and the anxiety and then everybody’s praising you there’s oftentimes a narrative inside and I think you maybe mentioned it how alcohol tends to lie to you but a narrative that we keep going that there’s nothing wrong here you know yeah you that that’s I’m so glad you brought that up because I I talk about that so much and and I always preface it with I understand how how the public may not be able to digest that immediately to understand that that Fame can bring so many stressors in your life right because when you think about Fame you think of money you think of like life is great right it’s all it’s all good but just like you said right you get those people around you that are just Yes Men right they just they don’t there’s no guard rails for you right and and when I speak on this especially when I speak to elementary students and obviously high school students I talk about your friendships they are so important because not only are you trying to uplift your friend right you’re trying to tell them you’re trying to help them accomplish their goals they should be doing the same for you right they should be challenging you saying hey maybe this is something you shouldn’t be doing maybe we should go this direction right those are friends those are friendships when you get to that stardom level when things are going great right when the money the the women the everyone loves you you get that crowd that for one just loves what you’re able to provide for them in the partying atmosphere and also too just people who just love to say that they’re near you they’re by you that they’re friends with you but don’t really care about what it is that you’re doing to your body or what where you’re spending your time at and of course obviously you have your own autonomy right it’s up to you to figure that out but your social atmosphere is extremely important as well and so yeah you nailed it to where it’s it’s when that Fame came my junior year um I wasn’t prepared for it um I really wasn’t where going to class and having people bombard me right to for photos or or autographs and then being pulled in this direction for interviews being pulled in that direction where it’s like a at moments I just wanted to be a student I just wanted to be just present in the moment and just go to class and just be but um that fast track lifestyle um not being prepared for it’s obviously set myself up for for a crash so then Monte just keep advancing your story so then you have this tremendous season in 2011. and your Heisman finalist and obviously you could have gone into the draft at that point probably and been drafted relatively high and uh started your professional career what brought you back to Wisconsin for your senior year um again I’m an open book and uh for me it was uh I the main reason that talking to my agent I just didn’t feel prepared yet although looking back on it I should have left but um to be honest I I I didn’t want to leave the partying yet I didn’t as as you know I I kicked myself in the butt for that um I did but I felt comfortable in my scene of of partying and obviously excelling on the field and and just being around the people that I was around um and so to the point of an addiction right um I I felt comfortable drowning out to my anxieties and stressors in the area that I was in um I did not want to move on I didn’t I wasn’t ready yet and uh and of course I think things would things may have been different if I if I would have left the draft in 2011 after that season but it’s um I felt comfortable I felt comfortable um drowning myself out with alcohol yeah that makes sense man and obviously you had a great 2020 2012 season as well uh and set you up to be drafted um by your favorite team I mean that seems like a dream come true in a lot of ways to like get to come to Denver and uh you know get a chance to get on the Field at Mile High man that’s so cool absolutely and again I I of course uh there’s a I’m I’m extremely grateful for the opportunities that I’ve had there are way more Great Moments than bad moments of course but I do believe that again when I share my story we have to share it all and I did struggle mentally um in 2011 and 2012 but it was still excelling on the field and was able yes to get drafted by my favorite team um I still remember the day I I chose I did not want to go to New York um for the draft because you can only have like a plus one or whatever A plus two and I wanted to have my family and friends right um to celebrate this moment and so I just uh rented out um a banquet room and um in a hotel in Madison Wisconsin and knew that I wasn’t going to go first round although I rented it out for those two days I was like ah guys first round most likely not but day two came about my agent was like all right you most definitely should get picked up in in round two or three today and of course as I’m sitting there everyone’s having a good time behind me my anxieties are through the roof my phone is propped up and uh 303 number came in and of course with the 9 phone is at Denver Colorado and I jumped up out of my seats uh I started hitting my dad he jumped up looking for my mom I turned around my mom was behind me she was already crying uh and I answered the phone and it was John Elway and um you know at the age of 21 22 at the time 22 uh getting a phone call from John Elway and of course he said uh would you like to be a Bronco and I just tears everywhere I’m like dude I just I just did it and um and of course in this moment I always share this where it’s yes there were times in college where my family they were like okay let’s have some conversations with him because we see some things are going a little differently for him within his personality um but of course I didn’t want to listen to my family right I was like no everything’s fine I’m good and so I bring that up because once I was drafted it was almost like that moment where I looked at my family I was like see look I told you I got this under control everything yeah everything is fine I do not have a strong relationship with alcohol because if I did I wouldn’t be drafted by my favorite team and so it was uh there were times when I could have changed I guess or made some made some different choices but um again excelling um on the football field didn’t I didn’t open my eyes to that but yes drafted to my favorite team was able to obviously come to Denver Colorado land there and um I remember meeting all the guys and of course I was Starstruck beating Von Miller meeting all these other greats right Champ Bailey was still on the team during then and my dad was a huge Bailey fan huge but of course when I had the opportunity to meet Peyton Manning uh that that’s very difficult to explain um when you come across a person a player like that for the first time being young myself and I remember the first thing I said to him I was like dude I was I remember I was like 12 playing Madden 02 or whatever what playing with you
so dream come true absolutely most definitely dream control yeah it was it when you transitioned from and I appreciate you checking in with that would it would it I mean I I probably never sit in the presence of someone else who has that type of story but when you when you transition from Wisconsin that senior year I’m assuming you had a pretty thick peer group around you whether they were right size or not you had this counter balancing opportunity to kind of brush into some peers and did you feel like when you transitioned to Denver Broncos um because I have this story in my recovery where I’m surrounded with a lot of people and a lot of great things but I feel so alone and so isolated did you start to feel that disconnection pretty quickly or was it um did it take some time because now you’re a professional in the college scene kind of moves away and so it almost looks like it almost feels like a leg at the table gets pulled out and now you’re holding up your table with two hands yeah yeah I like that it’s uh yes to your point it hit me pretty quickly um because it was almost as if I I packed up my my my best friend my alcohol is in in my luggage and and took it with me carried it with me to Colorado because it was something that I never addressed and so of course I didn’t think that I had to address it but if but being 22 with now going from forty dollars my bank account to x amount of dollars in my bank accounts it’s it’s I can go anywhere on the planet now I can you know those life pitfalls are are right there right there they’re greater and so for me I dove head first into that because I felt lonely I did feel lonely um I didn’t have any family here of course I didn’t have anyone to lean on so I thought um and I just did not take care of my body I didn’t um and and I always tell people it was most definitely a wonderful opportunity to even put on the uniform um as a Bronco um I do wish that my career would have went differently but um I always joke around and say you know I can joke around about it now but I joke around and say you know I had a cup of coffee with the Broncos [Laughter] yeah but uh being able to play side by side with those names that I mentioned right um I still have some friends to this day who are on the team right they’re going to be lifelong friends to me um and obviously playing in the Super Bowl my rookie year in New York City obviously we we lost but again just to to play against uh Russell Wilson was um again a dream come true yeah that’s right I always forget that you played in the Super Bowl yeah that’s pretty cool man you’ve kind of accomplished it all and even though you did a coffee break with the Broncos man you’ve really you really connected with a lot I mean we’re a part of a lot of um a lot of winning at the very least absolutely and and seriously man it’s I always it’s such a blessing looking back on it and talking about it because when I talk to children in elementary schools in high schools that being teens I talk about this the power of manifestation right um you know what are the chances of of an eight-year-old telling his father that I want to be a running back for the Denver Broncos and play in the Super Bowl and then get drafted by them and I remember I tweeted out the photo of me wearing the jersey and then being able to play in a Super Bowl my rookie year right so I always talk about this power of manifestation which just comes from within right of do not let anyone try to tell you you can’t do anything that that’s that’s really what it comes down to do not let anyone tell you you can’t do anything because as cliche as it sounds if you set your mind to it you can accomplish it and and I and I and I tell them I’m one I I did it so you can do it as well and so I have so many messages that I share um around addiction recovery and power manifestation and obviously of course mental health um but it’s it’s something that I I don’t take lightly so Monty I think that brings us to what what was kind of your low moment like what what made you be like you know what actually I gotta look in the mirror and make some changes because this isn’t going right yeah yeah that that’s a that’s a very easy decision so once I my second year as a Bronco um I tore my groin against the Cardinals home game and we had the St Louis Rams when they were in St Louis uh about six weeks seven weeks out so of course right back at home I tried to rush back PT right I was like let’s go let’s go let’s get more PT I got to get back for this game first game of the St Louis game when they were in St Louis tour my groin again and then placed on IR well placed on IR I only had to be at the facility for two hours a day and I did not travel with the team so of course I had all this Freedom that I obviously utilized to party and to drink of course and so that moment I would say and that’s in 2014 in November is when I really hit that low which I thought it was the lowest part but it wasn’t there was most definitely a basement that I didn’t know about so come 2015 I sort of saw the writing on the wall right that’s I’m on The Chopping Block I was getting a lot of playing time during the uh preseason games yeah a lot of playing time and I was not a good sign it was definitely not a good size yeah it’s okay I’m I’m on I’m 50 51 52 53 right uh they they are I I I’m on the chopping block and so I saw the writing on the wall so I started to panic right like I I know that it’s gonna happen where am I going to go well obviously once the day happened that I was released um not a good day for me um not a good day for me at all um but then of course I was picked up by the Patriots put on the P Squad and didn’t have the opportunity um really to to get on that to get on the plane excuse me the active roster um and of course the Broncos sent us home uh and went on to play the Panthers in the Super Bowl so of course my bottom would have been around that time the basement where I was angry at every single person around me um everyone um I was I was having outbursts uh to my family um especially my dad um I was uh just not a good brother not a good son not a good friend and of course not a good boyfriend um at that time and so every single person around me at the end December to February of 2015 2016. um you know received a very angry Monte I was angry at everyone else except myself because of course in that moment with alcohol I was blaming the coaching staff I was blaming the play calling I was blaming everything else except what I’m doing off the field how serious was I taking it and I wasn’t taking it serious enough of course so in the moments of course with that anger with the alcohol with the I felt embarrassed right um released from my favorite team after two seasons um I took that frustration out on someone very close to me who trusted me um and it took a very long time for me to forgive myself for that um and uh of course an open book um a domestic violence situation that happened in the hotel in Madison Wisconsin um of course I was completely uh blacked out drunk and sort of came to when I was in jail um over the weekend so I was arrested on a Friday like at 2 A.M and of course had to stay the weekend over jail to see the judge on Monday and of course on Sunday I watched the Broncos beat the Panthers in Super Bowl 50 while I was in jail um and I remember the room uh the cell mates that were in there with me uh were saying you know that’s supposed to be you up there you’re supposed to be a role model to us role models to our youth um and I remember in the moment I was like okay this is the popcorn the kettle black we are literally literally in the same time
yeah but but I do remember turning around right and uh facing the wall because of course I didn’t want to watch the game um and I uh you know I started tearing up because they’re right they’re right um I I had opportunities that many folks haven’t had um of course dealing with an addiction but I had resources that I could have leaned on um not blaming myself right for not utilizing them but there were moments where I could have I could have um you know changed my path and so uh that’s a moment that’ll always stick with me that’s that’s the bottom that’s the basement of the basement of my bottom when my feet hit that cold floor and I’ll never forget that feeling of that jail cell uh I literally told myself what the heck is going on like how do I go from just two years ago literally just 24 months ago 26 months ago to getting drafted to now in jail and so uh vax was the moment where I was like okay obviously something’s not right yeah so how did you then work on yourself and I’m trying to be mindful of time and I’m sure it’s a bigger story that we can fit in right here but like yeah so yeah no like okay so yeah talk about how you got how you started to come out of that basement that’s a that’s a basement yeah I’m very fortunate uh you know I I’m blessed I should say so to have a really good you know nuclear family I guess uh my my parents and my sisters were were very close um very close and uh they fed it to me straight they said you need to stop drinking um look at what just happened you are acting uncharacteristically something you have never engaged in before and now look at what has happened not only to your football career but obviously your image of just trying to get a job um after the game is over and so for me it was uh it was difficult at first of wanting to listen right to be receptive to those words um but I would say it took me about six weeks to really say Okay um I I need to go speak to someone um and so I jumped into intensive outpatient I jumped into IOP um four days a week for those three hours a day be up for eight weeks um and then after that of course it was individual therapy group therapy as well and family where after that then I just took off with just individual therapy with my therapist who I still see to this day um and that was in 2016 and of course the the frequency was higher but obviously now I see him about once a month um but he’s he’s my guy and so for me I know that there are a million ways up this hill right um but I’m a strong advocate for um obviously IOP um what all goes into IOP right individual therapy group therapy family therapy um that is something that I wanted it took time for me to get into that but with my family pushing me into that door um I was able to do it right there in the heart of Madison Wisconsin wow what a humbling experience to walk in there and it just speaks to your willingness to enter into that recovery process and two I can relate a lot to the early stages and I’m always going to be the guy to throw compassion in the middle of your story but you know it’s really difficult sometimes to find the means to or an access point to get help I mean it’s the last thing I we meet people oftentimes in much much more arduous situations that are like what do you see here but I think our brains do this really unique thing is they keep us really safe and so I can really relate to your to the onset of that that basement which is like this is your fault we go into anger because to go in to go into the truth which is I feel hurt I’m sad I’m broken I’m hopeless that’s to come apart and so I can really relate to really coming out especially before I got into recovery with a lot of anger and a lot of rage and how did I get here and I just wanted to throw that out there for you too because I think sometimes I think I think sometimes we get into kind of like blaming and shaming ourselves in these initial phases because we didn’t see it clearly but to see it clearly sometimes is not as safe as one might lead themselves to believe really I mean that that’s exactly what it is I was I was hurt right I but I didn’t know how to process that I my entire life up into that point right it was you don’t wear my feelings on my sleeve or where my heart on my sleeve right anger produced great numbers for me um and so I really developed a great relationship with anger because when I was angry on the field we won when I was anger on the field I had a great game um and you know I’m not blaming the sports of course but that is what I was that’s what I developed that’s what I that’s what that was me and so of course that bled over into my life and that was the only emotion that I was comfortable with expressing when I was hurt when I was sad when I knew that okay no one forced me to take a drink no one forced me to to be a terrible person to my partner right um I didn’t want to face the music in the moment and so the anger was easy anger was easy to to show yeah absolutely I could totally relate to that yeah how did you when did you discover that hey this is maybe some depression going on it’s not just the alcohol but like there’s other things going on here it didn’t all that didn’t go away when he quit drinking like you you have a long path to do an IOP and therapy and like uh obviously it wasn’t just about the drinking sure um I didn’t learn anything about that until that process right because I think you know growing up I obviously I obviously knew of the word depression but I didn’t know any signs of depression what may or may not go into your depression um and so I learned all that throughout the process of therapy and of course and of course that process was like peeling back the onion right getting more raw raw so many more emotions coming out of me and I I was able to look back and say wow I I was depressed when I was forcing myself to smile during interviews just so that my parents wouldn’t wouldn’t know that something was wrong with me right I always thought about that during interviews smile smile look good right look happy just so they think that I’m happy right um I never thought about that until the therapeutic process that I was in and so for me that depression in hindsight I know for a fact was playing a huge part in my downfall starting in 2011. um when I felt a lot more comfortable being isolated yeah being isolated I wasn’t one to consume a significant amount of alcohol while I was by myself but that process started in 2011 in my bedroom in my uh in the apartment that I was in and so I that’s when that depression really started to to get me and of course it was a snowball right after that the more I started to drink the further I went down it um I started to push my family away started to make up excuses of not going to their house for dinner um and just because I I knew that my mom wouldn’t know um and so that’s that’s that therapeutic process to me as I talk about it is uh I’m sitting here thinking about it for me going in completely oblivious to how it was going to be I was under the impression and of course every therapist does it differently I was lucky enough to match the first cry with a great therapist but I thought that the conversation was going to be you know 95 about the bottle five percent about relationships but it was completely completely flipped we talked a lot about my relationships with my family which I have great relationships with my friends as well um and of course the most important in my relationship with myself and um and I I did not I did not feel good about myself I didn’t I did not feel good about myself because I I felt like I would leave you know left my family let my let my family down in moments of course I obviously wants the really big fall happen that’s what I felt that I let them down that I harnessed our name that I’m a terrible human being but um that therapeutic process really allowed for me to to heal man to heal and of course I always share this I’m not the victim um I I still to this day pray that the person that I harmed is on their healing process I have made amends um but I I know that I’m not the victim in the act that I committed um but there were things that I was really struggling with in journaling yeah I wanna I mean I’m just sitting here and I’m looking at all these accomplishments on the left side of her screen here and I just want to be one of the first to just affirm you for what I think is your greatest accomplishment which is being in long-term recovery having overcome the adversity you did and the message you’re putting out into this world is profound my friend from the bottom of my heart just thank you thank you for what you’re doing to make movement not just in your world but everybody’s world I think this energy that you’re creating is significant and it has a ripple effect that ultimately and in my opinion may be much better than being a running back for the Denver Broncos changes the world one day at a time so thank you thank you I hear so many stories of you know this person left the league because he dealt with substances you never hear about him again yeah these stories don’t happen often and I just I feel so honored to be graced with your presence and your energy and your motivation and your spirit and your story and your path it’s it’s uh it’s contagious it’s contagious thank you so much for that it’s um I I say that I you know now I I see what I’m here for um I really and I really mean this I I know that of course obviously yes my dream was to wear the gold jacket right and be in the hall of fame um in in Canton right but I know for a fact and strongly believe that I was given that stage to speak on something way greater than myself something that every single human being on the face of this planet is either indirectly or directly impacted by whether it’s themself or someone they love and and that’s that’s my mission period 32 years old and until the day I’m in the ground this will be my mission I love it too Monte and I think you know to your point too Chris like so many people you know have this struggle and then yeah they disappear and they don’t use this as an opportunity to say uh courageously that there’s a path forward through this and really honestly the the irony too is it does help the shame to tell your story doesn’t necessarily feel great all the time but like um there’s so much power Monte what you said and so much is relatable and and you don’t have to be a Heisman finalist to feel like you’ve let your family down or to feel like you’re the worst person on the planet or you’ve tarnished your family name that’s common to a lot of people and and walking through that and learning how to forgive yourself and then love yourself again that relationship uh I think could be so incredibly powerful um with yeah with a with our last couple minutes like or moments like if you could just share about your book that you wrote I think pretty recently uh in the last few years yeah absolutely thank you um it’s on Amazon Nowhere to Run um I always tell folks to type in my name as well uh for that but um really quick about that it’s it’s you will rarely ever see me market it or anything like that because when I was going throughout my therapeutic process uh earlier on my therapist said he said look I can tell that you’re really struggling with opening up um I know that this is not something that you are familiar with just giving your background right with playing in a very violent sport that’s just not what we do and so he said how about you just Journal me just write write some things down and of course I was like write what he was like anything and I just got to writing and I really would get into these moments of of it was almost like a meditation where I was just it was just me in the paper and I once I looked up I had 88 000 words um and I of course right teamed up with an editor right just because I can write a few paragraphs doesn’t mean I’m a writer um and they helped me out throughout the process and so my book nowhere to run when I’m discovering your true self right is is in in the midst of an addiction excuse me is a moment a time for me where I was able to just let it out right just the therapeutic process of of what all happened putting all my feelings out there and not caring about the Judgment that is to come um and so I encourage so many other people to to figure out what your path is towards recovery mine was therapy and journaling I’m a huge advocate on both I know that there are a million ways up that hill but those were mine and so as you go about reading my book um I do talk about it all from being a young child to being on Section 8 with my with my parents um to high school obviously College in the NFL and even afterwards um and and I just encourage a lot of people who may be struggling with things that they’re struggling with to to get a copy to get a copy because um just like what you shared it’s it’s you don’t have to be in Heisman finalist you don’t have to be a second one on draft pick my message is addiction does not discriminate it does not discriminate and for those eight years of my life when I was actively using I was always telling myself I wasn’t going to be that one it’s not going to get me it’s not going to get me well it stuck up on me well Monte I’m just I just want to thank you again for joining us today I I I’m glad we got to make this work out um took it took a minute um and uh I’m just really grateful um and some of the uh sign us out now um uh thank you all for joining us on our episode today thank you Chris as well for uh co-hosting um please follow us on uh Facebook um Instagram Tick Tock I think we have stuff our podcast yeah wherever your podcast and uh with that we are out